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The Colbert Report/Episode/559
Production Info |- |} |- |} The Check-In * Dr. Colbert is normally unflappable as a cucumber in sunglasses, until Keyboard Cat came along ** KC waits for you to mess up, so he can play you off * it's not over cat! Intro SEGMENT1 * Dr. Colbert is grinning from ear to ear ** he has more than 32 teeth! * Obama has finally seen the light ** he won't release torture photos ** reinstituting military tribunals * he transformed into Bush * the pundits ** the real world *** where conservatives live every day (inside their gated communities) * Dr. Colbert welcomed him to the real world * He will need a few things to join a conservative reality ** unicorm whose tears cure homosexuality ** socialism and fascism ** proof that global warming doesn't exist ** bandaids (always need bandaids) SEGMENT2 * defending America ** Dick Cheney's reality doesn't change * dangerous time for America ** dangerous time for Bush-Cheney legacy * in aftermath of 9/11 ** we learned * America still needs a prison outside ** flubber boarding * where to put our detainees? ** Tonight's word: Tough Cell * moving blood-thirsty-detainees to American prisons ** need them for people doing life sentences * Sam Brownback is fighting back ** Leavenworth ** people of Kansas cannot handle: like evolution * John Boehner * Obama wants them in out ** KSM will live above your neighbor's garage * Cheney volunteered to take 20 Al Qaeda terrorists ** he is the only one who knows how to treat them Threat Down * they say you shouldn't be afraid of the dark 5- Charity * sometimes charities turn evil ** Christian Children's Fund changing its name to Child Fund International * Matthew 19 ... * name change is a threat to his PR ** Christ had 12 4- Casual Jesus * statue called Jesus in jeans ** never wore one jeans even on casual Friday * new testament will get a make-over ** judas will betray 3- Drug Czar Kerlikowske * end war on drugs * Dr. Colbert has two modes: ** war ** sex 2- Cleanliness * employees were forced to evacuate when an employee break room refrigerator was cleaned ** seal it with duck tape and bury it 1- Robot Teacher * debuted in Tokyo * Japan should know about the threat of robots * in the future the three R's will be ** reading ** 'riting ** run for your life! Interview * Meghan McCain ** Daily Beast Tube * is a republican blogger and the daughter of John McCain; Stephen wonders if her dad has figured which channel her blog is on? * she twittered that her Val says she should lick Dr. Colbert's face ** his right side tastes like teriyake ** the left: chipotle * pro-sex, pro-life and pro-gay marriage * she is more liberal than Obama ** Obama is not pro-gay marriage ** she thinks the GOP is more pro-gay than the liberals * whenever the word sanctity * if a gay person gets married, what is the insentive for straights to get opposite married * she believes the GOP can attract young voters ** not by concentrating on technology ** concentrate on the message * there are two things she won't comment on publicly: ** Sarah Palin ** why she won't comment on Sarah Palin publicly Epilogue * according to Dr. Colbert's internal clock it is time to go ** he tried to smuggle a Rolex Gallery Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments